9 May 2020 / 11.59pm
On December 18, 2006, I received a call from my brother-in-law in Johor that doctor has found a tumour in my mum's colon. I remember it was on Monday, 11am. I was at work. Upon receiving this news, my heart sank. I went to toilet, I knelt down, cried bitterly and begged God not to take my mum away. From that day onwards, I was on my knees every night. I want to believe God will make a way…
My mum is a good listener to my frustration at work and in life. Although she doesn't understand most of my problems I faced yet she patiently accompanied me.
On January 12, 2007, my mum went for an operation in HUKM. God answered my prayer. (It's a long story…)
Sitting at my desk as I try to start today's story, I'm struggling to decide where to begin…
Well,…
In the same year, 2007, I was hit with depression.
Anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. It started with loss of appetite, and an elevated heart rate. I started losing my passion at work. My work as an Art Director in advertising agency was stressful and sick days weren't easy.
Everything centred around my heart.
There is no one person, or one story, or one experience that can make someone truly understand how depression alters the lives of those who suffer from it. I can’t make anyone understand how I feel.
Dealing with depression is an everyday struggle. It's definitely true that some days are worse than others.
Depression...
The worst thing is having friends around, yet I still felt so lonely. Anything that was said to me, I managed to turn into a bad thing. I was literally my own worst enemy. I would come home and feel so exhausted from all of the voices in my head that I would just sleep to block it all out. I didn’t want to wake up because living was a nightmare. I felt sick with the fear of night time because that’s when the voices got even louder. I would get so frustrated because it seemed impossible to sleep, as if insomnia and depression go hand in hand. I have never experience sleepless night.
I felt as if I had lost myself and wouldn’t ever be the same again. I had no motivation to do anything because I couldn't see a future for myself.
‘Don't think too much’ was the worst thing anyone said to me. These words triggered thousands of horrible thoughts and I was beating myself up for not hiding how I felt well enough from everyone around me.
I wanted everyone to know how I felt but no one seems to understand. Eventually I just isolated myself in my room because no contact with people meant nothing could go wrong.
I knew I needed help.
One Sunday morning, I walked to a nearby clinic to get help. The doctor looked at me. I told her I was depressed. She conducted a set of questionnaire. I almost hit the full score. I thought it was a good sign. Sadly, it was not. The doctor was glad that I came to see her. She looked at me and whispered into my ear, "go to church."
I obeyed because I wanted to be free of medicines, doctors, counsellors, hospitals and negative thoughts.
However, she put me on medication and I am grateful to have it because I know it has really helped me. At the same time, I wish I could be free of it with the fear that it might lead to side effect.
The scariest thing about my whole recovery process is that the only person who can truly help me is nobody. I didn't want to share with my family. My mum just recovered from her surgery. Because of that, my whole process of recovery was my dependancy on God alone.
2007 was a rollercoaster ride with more lows than highs. I felt I have been to hell. If I hadn't been through these things I wouldn’t have learnt that the most important thing in life is to depend on God.
A year later, I bumped into the lady doctor at the Immigration office. She still remember me. She was very happy to know that I have recovered from my depression before she migrated to Melbourne. God sent His angel! :-)
If I was to give one piece of advice to others who are struggling, it would be not to suffer in silence. There are people out there who have been through everything that you are experiencing and have come out on the other side. In fact, their experiences have made them who they are today. It may seem impossible to overcome but believe me, you will get there.
One day, as I grow older, my memory will fails me but what I've pen down here will serve my heart till the day I return "Home"
On July 12, 2015, I attended a friend's 60th birthday. Pastor Daniel shared a message. He said our lives is like a toilet paper, towards the end, it will roll faster.
Somehow the word, "toilet roll" keeps sticking in my mind for few days. Until one day, a gentle voice whispered into my heart, "Faith is letting God turns the roll."
So, I decided to print my own true stories on real toilet paper. I decided to take the risk to print using my normal canon printer. I know if the toilet paper stuck inside the printer, this will be the world most horrible paper jam. It took me few rounds of trials and errors. I thank God that I didn't encounter any worst toilet paper jam.
Here is the story of my artwork:
Every day, we have to decide who’s going to be in control of our lives - us or God. Those choices are battles. There are things in our lives that we want to control, but stress relief always start with letting God be God. It always starts with saying, “God, I’m giving up control because you can control the things that are out of control in my life.”
This installation is a compilation of my difficult life stories and how I've learned to let go my bitterness and brokenness through a lesson from a toilet paper roll. It teaches me about "letting go". When I tried to control my own life, I often under stress and it becomes hard to move on. I can’t control my future or my past. Just like the toilet roll, it is hard to roll when the load is heavy. When I let go my control, I realised the load is lighter, it started to roll faster.
I learned one of the greatest lesson of life is to surrender to God the very things I have been trying to take control of.
This installation closed the chapters of my past. Since then, I have moved on.
When was the time we take a closer look at a toilet paper roll, a very common objects we see everyday? The answer is very clear. We often take things for granted.
God can use anything to inspire us.
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